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A strong desire to do each of these is not required.Not surprisingly, once the action is taken, the person often feels positive emotions (and if not, they don’t interpret it as meaning that the activity was wrong but just that it is normal to not always feel excited about it).However, when an avoidant person feels cornered with questions about their feelings, they may instantly feel less connected without knowing why.From this pressured position, they usually don’t feel an authentic ability to express strong positive emotions or to respond with excitement about becoming more committed.When the underlying fear is exposed, it is easier for them and their partner to respond in a way that keeps them both Available, Responsive, and emotionally Engaged in their relationships (A. E.) as they learn to solve problems together as a couple.This is the secret ingredient to breaking the anxious and avoidant attachment pattern--sharing feelings, talking about fears, and making efforts to meet each other’s deeper needs.In other words, if someone is told, “Give me your most sincere laugh, right now,” they would be incapable of doing so since all their efforts would feel insincere.This is why an avoidant person can’t share positive emotions on demand either.
I’ve written many articles on the topic of He’s Amazing and Still Single! (part 1) and He’s Amazing and Still Single and What She Can Do About it (part 2).
This underlying force can push some singles for perfection and success in their religious worship, educational goals, and career choices, while also unwittingly make them act needy, intense, critical, or unreachable in dating.
It can causes them to overanalyze every decision, emotion, and action they (or their partners) take in relationships (signs of anxious attachment) or it can make them feel passive, disengaged, indifferent, and numb (signs of an avoidant attachment).
The problem is that most people mistakenly believe that only spontaneous emotions are relevant.
This causes them to scrutinize their and their partner’s emotions, taking them very personally.